what’s important

how do we decide

and how do we decide when deciding 

what is more important than another 

when do we make that realization 

the realization of what’s 

most important

and when we conclude with our decision

where do we begin

i just finished a book by georgette heyer

it was really slow but beautiful in it’s slowness

it’s a regency romance

the story is about two people who marry without love

the husband loves another but is loyal to his wife

who is short, pudgy and unremarkable in looks and manners

but she is very like-able, loving and sensible

by the end of the book they love one another but he doesn’t

look at her with the same passion as he once did his former love

in the last scene she hugs him and hopes to see this passion

but instead she comes to a realization.

which in it’s realization is at once heartbreaking and beautiful.

“She gave him a hug, smiling reassuringly at him.  She thought, 

and was comforted, that though she was not the wife of his dreams

it was with her, not with Julia, that he shared life’s little, 

foolish jokes..”

“After all life was not made up of moments of exaltation, but of

quite ordinary, everyday things.  

The vision of the shining, inaccessible peaks vanished; 

Jenny remembered two pieces of domestic news, and told Adam 

about them.  

They were not very romantic, 

but they were really much more important than grand passions or blighted loves.”

this seems to be how dreams are;
you hope and wish and want them to come true but..

sometimes they don't
they just don't

where do you go from there?

you learn to find dreams out of reality
you learn to look at what reality is through different eyes

and you know what i think?

i think this new seeing becomes the biggest and greatest dream

because you've changed, you've learned something
and you've become somebody infinitely more satisfying then someone
who's dreams are always realized and easily accessed.

you learn to shape your dreams and search for them

i'm happy

content even.

content seems to be the harder of the two.

content reaches beyond the moment into

the past the present and the future

happiness lasts for the moment

contentedness = peace

peace means i'm doing good

not worrying about what i did yesterday or today

or what tomorrow is going to bring

just at peace, content living my life

my life - so different from anyone else's

looking for it, i found it

searching for it i savor it

forgetting it i almost lost it.

it's so simple,

- everything is -

don't over think it.

be content

“you light up”

i was talking to chase about something that means a lot to me today,

something that i haven’t done for awhile and felt a little unsure of;

talking about it like maybe i could live without it.

after telling me i was just nervous because it had been awhile

he fixed it by saying three little words;

“you light up”

when you do it;

“you light up”

that made me pause in my rant 

i didn’t know what to say

i thought;

 i guess i do, it brings me happiness, makes me work,

and makes me get outside my norm.

i feel free again and ready to 

“light up”

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, 

to front only the essential facts of life, 

and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, 

when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live 

what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, 

unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the 

marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was 

not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, 

and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, 

why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it, 

and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, 

to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account 

of it in my next excursion."- Henry David Throeau

i was wondering about my writing today

maybe i'm too heavy maybe what i say

is too much.

i'm not always heavy but my thoughts are a lot of the time, 

but i never realized they were till i started writing them.  

it's what matters most to me.

i remember in english class with ms. beckwith

we read waldon pond. great book! 

a lot of reactions in class were negative to this book

i felt weird because i actually loved it!

i love the idea of getting the most out of life, even the bad.

i love the idea of living deliberately 

of sucking the marrow out of life.

"living is so dear".

a few nights ago we went out to dinner with my family.

 it was really fun

but what i came away with was 

a sense of my own mortality.

my dad talked about my accident.

is it weird that i forgot, that i forget that i broke my neck

that i almost died?

i take everything so laid back, that breaking my neck 

seemed just another thing.

but you know as i realize that many have died from car accidents, 

i remember that i could have died

that i almost did.

i remember that after i woke up from my comatose state

that i thought i'm glad to be alive,

but i was ready to die if i had.

i remember that i sort of wish i had died

not in a morbid sense, 

but just that in that moment i would have had no regrets in this life,

i didn't have anybody i needed to apologize too or forgive.

i was ready.

life is so precious,

often though i view this life as a means to an end

eternity.

but as i read this quote from thoreau 

i know that even though i view this life as a means to an end

our end is determined by the means

so i mean to live this life as a means 

but to do it with all the energy and soul that i have

to suck as much out of it as i can before my next life starts.

cool wind on my skin

peasall sisters in my ear

sweat pouring

calories burning

theres nothing like starting

a lazy monday holiday with

a 2 hour bike ride

faith

nothing seems to turn out the way i plan

but everything turns out the way i want

how does that happen?

because someone knows me and my road better

then i do

because God knows what i need even if i have no clue 
and even if i don’t know the right words to use
to ask for what i want.

i used to get anxious and worry about the future

but as i’ve seen my future become a past 
that i never could have dreamed up 
i know that all my futures will

become a dream.